Why do I not deeply grieve? Why am I not inconsolable? Why am I at peace with the passing of my dearly loved wife, just two months ago? Why do I not have a deep sense of emptiness, a constant awareness of a hole in my heart? Why am I able to carry on with a strong sense of the presence of my loved one right here with me?
Why? Why indeed? She was here and now she is not. For these past five years, since she was first diagnosed, we spoke often about this very time, these very circumstances and we talked to God about our confidence that she would never die, that I would never die. So, here I am in human form in this place we call earth, in this little home that we created. There she is in that wonderful place we have always talked about, in communication with me if I would only listen. Her words are everywhere if I could only understand. Her presence is visible everywhere if I would but see. But I can feel her presence. It’s like a verse from that wonderful hymn “Borning Cry”, God brought us together and God made our verses rhyme.
So, why do I not deeply grieve? I don’t know, but I do know this — I have a deep sense that our prayers have been answered, that all of our conversations with God we’re not for naught. I am here and she is there. I am real, she is real. I’m on a human plane, she on a spiritual plane. One is understandable while the other is part of the great mystery, a mystery that our faith allows us to depend upon. Our faith allows me peace, and confidence, allows me a somewhat “comfortable”, and just a bit selfish, sense of loss, of missing, of feeling that hole in the heart.”
Why do I question my lack of fierce grieving? Why is it that I have confidence that our prayers for her and her peaceful passing were answers to prayers, while wondering why I am at peace? Oh, me of little faith, there before me is, in fact, the answer. God doesn’t do things halfway. He is still seeing that our “verses rhyme”. His answers to our prayers were for her and for me! A gift! What amazing grace. What a gracious, ever-present God we have.
Just some personal thoughts…For What its Worth.