Recently, I had a casual conversation while on an elevator at a nearby hospital. The person I was talking to told me she had visited her mother who just had surgery. I explained that I had visited a friend of a friend, someone I didn’t know very well. Her comment was: “I could never do that!” I asked her why? She said she would be too nervous and she “could not do it right”!
“Could not do it right!” I knew exactly what she meant. I had similar thoughts over the years, whether standing in a reception line at a funeral, visiting an unfamiliar person in the hospital, or just trying to carry on a conversation with someone I did not know in an uncomfortable setting. What to say at that particular time. I guess I was worried about saying the right thing.
I can relate to the nervous part. I believe we all go through that. It was the “could not do it right” part that got my attention. What does that mean? Is there a “right” way to visit someone in the hospital and carry on a conversation? What do you say to the bereaved in that funeral line? Is there a “perfect” model in our mind that we try to compare ourselves with and often fall short. Then, because it makes us uncomfortable, we decide to avoid, believing that “perfection” is out of reach.
Have spent more days and nights in the hospital, either in one of those beds, or beside my wife’s bed during her final weeks, not to know the value of a visitor who does to over stay their visit. Pull up a chair, just chat. Talk about your dog, your kids, the weather, the gossip, or just listen to the one who is happy to have someone to talk to. Of perhaps, bring a book and do some reading. Don’t make it a big deal. How do you do that perfectly? There is no formula. Some do that small talk with ease, some have to deal with discomfort. The most important matter is just to be there. You cared enough to make the effort. Smile, you are most welcome.
In my men’s Bible study group we were discussing Paul’s letter to the Romans where he was addressing issues related to Jew and Gentile. I tried to put myself in the mindset of a Pharisee in ancient times, seriously trying to follow the 613 Judaic laws of the Torah. How did those Pharisees keep track? How did that Pharisee “grade” himself on following or not following a particular law? To fail to follow a particular law, what then, was that a sin? Or more to the point, should he fail to be “perfect” in following the law, does he incur God’s wrath? No, no and no.
So, back to doing it right, or perfection. It is not a stretch to remember Micah 6:8: What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. Where is perfection listed? Certainly, not here.
How about Jesus’ response to the question about what is the greatest law, or commandment? “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandment (law)”. (Mark 12:30-31) No demand for perfection there, either.
I recently read of a pottery teacher who divided her class into two groups. One group would be graded on quantity, while the other would be graded on quality. At the end of the semester, the quantity group had produced a significant number of pieces. The quality group failed to produce even one piece because they could not agree on what a “perfect” quality piece would look like. Upon examining all the pieces that the quantity group had made, several were judged to be exceptional. Why? By doing many pieces they learned what worked, what didn’t, and what should be done to improve the piece. Practice!
Was there something I could have said to that woman, something that might help her deal with that nervousness, that sense of needing to be perfect. First of all, it is not about us, the visitor. It’s about the person we are visiting in the hospital, at the funeral, or the wedding, etc. She visited her mother because she cared. We show up because we care. That we are following Christ’s admonition to visit, to feed, to provide drink. Perfection is not required, neither is “saying it right”.
The other side is the practice part. There is something to be said about showing up and it’s effect on your comfort zone. By doing that you discover something in yourself, something that helps you get beyond that sense of stress.
Now practice may not make it perfect, but practice will make it better, easier and natural, and you will be blessed for the doing.
Stan Escott,
For What It’s Worth.
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