I am fascinated by theories that postulate cause and effect. One example is the “butterfly effect” which theorizes that the flutter of butterfly wings in one part of the world will have an impact elsewhere. Sounds a bit mystical, doesn’t it? Is this theory implying that small causes can have large effects?
Or, how about this: past experiences can determine future responses. Then there is “Chaos theory” which states, in part, that the present determines the future.
I have my own cause and effect theory which I call “Not by Accident” and it suggests that what we have experienced or learned in our earlier days, we now pass on to others, intentionally or not, as we live our lives. These influences could be both good or bad.
On the “good” side, how do we teach compassion? How do we teach love, or faith, or trust, or generosity, or something as basic as making and maintaining a friendship? Or, more practically, how to make the world’s greatest potato salad.
We learn compassion because we have seen it in action. We have watched those that we love and respect, reach out to others and make a difference. We learn love perhaps because we have felt it, and because it was part and partial of our lives from our earliest remembrances. We learn trust because we have relied on it and it did not disappoint. We learn about faith because of the model that was right there in front of us as we grew up, and then it became our own. How to make the world’s greatest potato salad? That’s what your mom taught you and now you are handing it off to the next generation!
There is a Hebrew word, “rahamim”, that has multiple meanings, one of which is related to unconditional love. We all have some degree of rahamim in our lives. One definition states that it is the altruistic move of a person who steps aside to make a place for another. We might call that courtesy, but that is just another part of it. Another definition explains that it is the love that a mother has for her unborn and undeveloped child that is growing within. It is that part of us that nudges us to do the right thing, because…it is the right thing!
So, what about butterfly wings and chaos, and not by accident, and all that stuff? We have all experienced chaos as we grew up, as we tested boundaries, as we rebelled, as we stepped over lines that were drawn by significant adults in our lives. We experienced the consequences of our actions and learned, and how in the end, there was love and acceptance and forgiveness. And in the learning, it became part of who we have become.
So, it is not by accident that the loving people had, in most cases, loving significant others in their lives, and now that same loving quality is passed on to their children. And so, generation after generation is affected by a learning process that started somewhere in the past and continues long into the future because of what has been learned and handed down by lives well lived.
There was a time when our children were growing up that my wife and I asked ourselves; “when these kids are grown and ‘gone’, will we have anything to talk about?” Over the years he had some long, and not so quiet, “conversations” about bedtimes, curfews, dating, grades, use of the car, etc. And the question seemed on target, except for one thing. The truth of the matter was that “gone” proved only to be geography; they were never away from our minds or hearts, and often our doorstep. Our conversations? They only shifted to the positives that had been there all along, and maybe with just a few parental worries.
So, consider this: How incredibly lucky we have been to have positive influences in our lives. Think about those times when that person was there to pick you up, to hold you tight, to celebrate your accomplishments, to be your cheerleader as you met challenges, to show you how to do this and that (how to make potato salad?), and to stand there proud at special moments in your life.
For me and my children, when Mother’s Day observances come around there is an edge of sadness because she is no longer with us, but the day will always be a celebration. All of our children are examples of what it means to be a loving mother, a loving aunt, a loving uncle, a loving father, they have had some good models, and it was not by accident. And it will not be an accident that these same qualities will show clearly in the next generations.
Love, trust, forgiveness, compassion, faith, friendship, even a potato salad recipe…these are qualities that will grow as they are passed on, generation after generation. So, God bless you loving mothers, fathers and “significant others” in the lives of countless others, you are the very best kind of teachers.
