One is never ready for the feeling that, with the death of your loved one, love has gone out of your life. Even a five-year advance notice in a terminal illness does nothing to assuage the pain of loss. In grief, breathing remains labored and tears sneak up without warning. It is a grinding that no amount of support seems to lessen.
But, where had happiness gone? Why was it so hard to be in the moment, just to smile, to laugh, to share stories with friends? There was an emptiness that continued month after month, relentlessly, sad and without color. The memory of her remains, much like the perfume of flowers that lingers long after the flowers are gone and then, over time:
I discover that her presence that was love, is not gone but is now in her spirit. Her smile that was love, is not gone but is now everywhere. Her touch that was love, is not gone but is now in those she loved. Her courage that was love, is not gone but is fondly remembered
God was not absent through all this. God was present in all of our prayers. Over our life together, she and I had been joined by our love of God and of one another. We had placed our lives in the hands of God and prayed that his will would be done. For her, God’s will has been done.
Then, from deep within my being, her spirit speaks to me: “Listen, together we were happy. Life was good, together. Life had meaning, together. We shared happiness. That happiness made our lives complete. Now, you must find that same happiness, a happiness that is broad and all-inclusive. It is happiness that is to be shared, not bottled up in memories. You need to be happy, you, for when you are lost in happiness with another, I will share that and I will celebrate that. And I want that for you.”
So, as with most of God’s plans, there is surprise, an unexpected quality, a twist here and there, and I, to my own surprise, find that someone nearby, also touched by grief, has taken on a rightness and a sweetness, and a loveliness. And, together, we begin to feel the return of happiness and a desire to deepen it so that life is shared and complete. Happiness flourishes, and we discover that God and the spirit are smiling on us. Then, unexpectedly, we find that…we can’t stop singing!
For What It’s Worth.
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